Learning From Case
Important fact is not it a lot of people liked it? The answer could be crucial and could not. It depends on the circumstances, reasons, and context. But, in general, dasariyah human instinct that has a tendency to want to groove. The proof, people will feel happy if he liked a lot of people. Conversely, people will feel uneasy or (minimum) is less happy when the hated or less favored.
The question is, how do we make of those people who disengani others? In theory we did not find the standard technique for that. From the practice of life, there are clues that we can catch. One is, that humans tend to like the character or behavior is less extreme (too much on the edge or too) for things that are options / can be chosen. But this is not all as well. If you look at some common cases, behaviors or properties that have the potential to invite disapproval among others:
First, it is too quiet or too noisy. Ideally, we provide the opportunity for others to talk about himself, about his knowledge or about his experience. In addition, we also need to provide the opportunity to listen. So what happens is a dialogue for mutual give-receive or place a warm conversation. Dialogue can be fun to invite warmth or a pleasant impression.
But if we're just a listener who is too quiet, passive, even more so less enthusiastic to provide feedback to others, this potentially invite disapproval. Conversely, too. If we are to dominate the conversation, we reveal ourselves at length, especially coupled with the attitude that less show respect when other people express themselves, even this potentially invite disapproval.
So, too quiet that's not good, but too crowded not very good also. Too good not passive, but active also not too good. Too quiet to make other people boring, but too busy to make others feel uncomfortable. According to the theory of the relationship, too quiet or too passive it is usually done by some people who abdicraft. His opponent is autocraft, too active, too want to dominate, and so on. That is suggested to be a democratic people: do not impose a private will, too passive and not too cold. Too crowded often given the nickname "omdo" (way doang) or big-mouth (the big mouth). Conversely, too much silence is often given the nickname "the statue", imitators, and others.
Second, too much or too ignorant to intervene. Ideally, what is needed is to give attention to (care) or share the feeling (sharing) in times of need (empathy). This much attention. Could be in the form of feelings, attitudes or actions. People will feel more respected when he knows we put empathy. Empathy is the caring that we express in various forms. In the concept of self-development, including pillar empathy in improving interpersonal skills. Interpersonal skill is the ability of a person in opening, maintaining, and empowering relationships (with others). The characteristics of people who have good capabilities in this regard, among others:
- Empathy: can share and care about others
- Support the development of others (developing others)
- Communicate effectively
- Can listen to others
- Have a high commitment to obey a promise or agreement
- It could respect others
- Can see the positive and negative sides objectively
If the pleasure of inviting empathy, it interfering too much into the territories of other people's private affairs are often considered to potentially invite disapproval. The more so if the intervention was assessed instead added to the problem (not solve / reduce the problem) or make people feel less comfortable. There are still certain areas which we are expected to intervene. But it usually stays there a limit / barrier has been installed a red light that means is: do not be too much to go inside. It is rarely spoken.
So also was too ignorant, too ignorant or too indifferent. More often, too blase as bad with too much to interfere. If we see the theory of human relationships, it interfering too often practiced by most people who oversocial. Conversely, it is usually too ignorant done by some people who undersocial. Both are over or under, they are often considered less good. That is suggested to be inclusive: not too cool and not too much to interfere.
Third, too closed or too open. Ideally, we need to create self-explanation about the things that need to be explained and need not explain the things that are not necessary. What's necessary and what's so unnecessary? Even this is difficult to explain. Generally, the necessary and unnecessary it can only be understood by feeling.
In scientific literature the term known as self-disclosure, self-disclosure is intended to enhance the meaning / quality relationships. Self-disclosure is different from the self-description (self-explanation). The most fundamental difference is, self-disclosure was a form of self-disclosure about significant things for themselves and for others (really important to build relationships).
Self-diclosure This would not only invite the pleasure and intimacy, but instead could invite confidence (trust). In Psychology & Life (1979) stated that trust starts from self-diclosure. So, usually, from the disclosure was born familiarity and confidence born of familiarity. But, he says, self-disclosure here is not limited to the oral statement (verbal statement of self-diclosure), but a series of actions that can explain who we are. If what we say it's different from what we do, this might even invite disapproval and distrust.
However, too open to also invite disapproval. Okay, tell others or shown to others so that could be interpreted as showing off. Not only that, too open too often becomes a weakness. To build familiarity, too open to it often as bad as too closed. Too close very often interpreted as an attempt to keep a distance, like oil and water. If this applies to people who only know of course fine, but when applied to people who have a longstanding relationship, this is usually less powerful to build intimacy.
Three points above it's new general cases which have dependence on a very specific context. It means can not dijeneralisasi. For example, there are people who ask forgiveness fussy. For people who already know and understand, of course no problem. But for new situations and new people, could have different results.
In practice, fondness and dislike the man more often associated with the issue of understanding and interrelatedness-understanding (mutual understanding). Therefore, many people who hate others because of misunderstanding, lack of understanding, or do not understand each other. So are many people who loved someone else because they understand each other.
PRINCIPLES & THEORY liking and disliking
In the theory of science, we can find a lot of explanation about liking (love) and disliking (dislike). By seeing this, hopefully we can use to understand reality and we can also use to fix it. Some of the many theories of knowledge which speaks like and dislike about this among others:
Physical Attractiviness theory. Intuitively, one would prefer other people interesting in terms of physical appearance. This example only: beautiful, handsome, clean, neat, orderly, and so on and so forth. People who looked at least neat though sometimes it does not like people who do not neatly. Smokers themselves often do not like the other smokers who carelessly smoking.
Competency theory: People tend to prefer someone more competent, have a lot of toxicity, more creative, more skilled, more smart, and so on and so forth. Even on business, people like / trust others because they saw their competence ketimbangan brother, son or best friend.
Reciprocal theory. People tend to like people who like it (no return). Like attracts like, so he said. But this is still the record that the joy we showed it to be genuine, not contrived or just to find the face. If that far-fetched or just to find the face, usually even cause discomfort.
Similiarity & Complementary theory. People tend to like people who have some semblance / similarity with himself. This example alone: one local, one's alma mater, one party, one hobby, one vision, one thought, one feeling, and so on and so forth. But he said, the similarities and the similarity was not able to produce a lasting pleasure, if not supported by other elements to be reinforced. Therefore it must be complementary: complementary, mutual support, mutual giving-getting, and so on. If it does not appear complementary, so by itself it similiarity they just past.
Exchange theory. People will think much of anyone else who gives a profit, plus the value, or benefit to him. Minimum no disadvantage. Problem was in the form of material or non-material, it's a matter of context. Principally, there is no human being can accept the loss of the interaction process is executed.
Reinforcement theory. People will think much of anyone else who respects himself. This not only specifically addressed to the person who gave the award, but also to the person close to the giver. Give an award may include other forms of positive feelings.
Gain-loss theory. According to this theory, we would like others that the evaluation, correction, or the support given to us tend to always be improving, not deteriorating or mediocre. Conversely, too. We are more likely to be not happy with someone else instead of the longer the better valuations, attitudes or treatment.
If the above we have seen cases of the general with a specific context, well below let's look at the basic values that will definitely generate hatred or pleasure. These basic values apply universally, not seeing people, circumstances, contexts, places, and not dependent on external attributes (eg religion, ethnicity, education, or social status).
What are the basic values? certainly most of it we already know. Not required by our knowledge, but realize it in practice alive. This example only:
- Takabbur: lift yourself by the motif (secretly or openly) to denigrate other people
- Envy-envy (envy): glad to see other people hard and hard to see other people happy; want favors others moved to him, wanting favors others missing, etc.
- Lack of keeping commitments / agreements: break a promise, lie, cheat, and so on
If we see the psychology literature, we find also the term personality disorder, which potentially invite disapproval peculiarity of others if it exceeded the proportional limit. This example only:
Too same-suspicious of others, can not forgive others (especially the small ones), easy enemies, loves to criticize everything
- Displays the aura of pessimism, self-lock, do not care about criticism or praise
- Enjoys strange story (no sense), rather strange-looking (outside to stage art), likes to have excessive fears of the condition
Temparemen-high, reckless (lose control), did not care responsibilities, often makes the action that endangers others
Mood-unstable (easy to love and easy to hate), is too large depends on others, or too easily offended
- Easily influenced, wishy-washy, ngomongnya ngacau everywhere
-Arogan, have excessive desire to be respected, irritable, hard to understand other people's positions
- Too insecure, less willing to take risks, just want maximum flexibility but the risk is not, is rarely out of or little interaction with the crowd
- Too quiet for fear of hate, happiness hung himself on others, often feel no one else in this world
Too idealistic, too rigid to practice the knowledge, tradition, or religious understanding (memedomani "truth-own" excessive), stubborn
That all are examples that we can make reference in their interaction. Indeed not all of them can invite disapproval, but the minimum can inhibit intimacy.
Some Notes
Regardless of whether we consider the question of "groove" and "less favored" the affairs of this important or not, but there are some points that we need to make personal notes. These include:
-Need to think realistically based on common sense. This means that there can be no person who loved by everyone or hated by all. The basic principle is the most, a small, generally, the majority, and others.
-Do not make it a destination. If we want to do something or show certain properties, but our purpose is only to favored people, usually we can be quite the opposite. So how? Ideally is, we do positive things, positive personality, positive attitude, etc., but that's all we live as a process of self-actualization (self-improvement). Point. Problem people like it or not, this is their business.
-Not enough to stop only at the level of "groove". If it is returned to the business of self-development (self-development), the most important thing is to be trusted to others. That to be true, it must first groove, it was more often true.
-Do not make it as a wrap or a mere trick to deceive or fool (someone else and yourself). For example we behave "pretentious" clean, polite, passion, intellect, are guy, and others, but it's all based on the motive to launch a business that harm others. Ideally, we need to make it as a character or nature, not as merely an expression of personality is conditioned by the interests for a moment. It is sometimes difficult to avoid. However, we remain well beracuan on the character or nature.
-Keep starting from within ourselves first. Others want to groove but less happy with other people, it's difficult. Want to wake up with a good relationship, but we (in practice) to do things that damage, it is also difficult.
Hopefully useful.
